A Dark Place by Camy/Camille

I’m planning a new Regency right now, and I’m finding that I’m going into a darker place than normal for these characters.

My hero has abandonment issues because his mother left him when he was young. Thank God, my own parents are great, but I’ve had friends with parents from hell, and I’m using their experiences for my hero’s pain and self-worth issues.

But I’ve also had to delve into my hero’s mother’s point of view, and I’m exploring an issue I’ve only ever heard about from a couple people—postpartum depression.

I know that when I’m grieving or in pain, I do terrible, terrible things. I do things I would never do if I were in my right mind. I can hurt others without a second thought and feel the rage and hurt boil inside me.

I know from my psychology classes in college that depression can sometimes exhibit itself in irritation and malice as opposed to just being sad. And so I’m imagining my hero’s mother lashing out in the midst of her own grief and pain, pushing away the people she loves.

Writing about this character is making me explore the more selfish and emotional parts of myself, the parts that I usually try to keep away from the forefront of my mind because, well, they’re not pleasant parts of me. But writing about this character is not just about doing things I regret and facing the fallout of my actions, but also about hope.

I think that in our society, we often believe that once we’ve failed or messed up, it’s game over for us. People in general don’t forgive others easily, and it can be even worse when we have to forgive ourselves.

But somehow, God forgives. God redeems us. God saves us from ourselves.

There are still consequences for our actions, but we don’t have to give in to the hopelessness. It’s not game over if we fail or mess up. God forgives and wants to help us start again, try again, start all over. This was why Jesus died on the cross, to save us from our sins—so we can have another chance, no matter what we do.

Writing about all this in a book is hard, but it’s also a good reminder for me that I am not expected to be perfect. I’m human and sinful, and I have been redeemed.

And so have you.

So my prayer today is that God meets you where you are and helps you overcome anything you might still be regretting in your life.